When will this be over?
Mar 6th, 2007 by Michelle
I feel like I am on the verge of a relapse. I know it is because I am physically and mentally exhausted. My breastbone hurts so the littlest thing I do I hyperventillate. Yesterday I parked my car not even .10 of a mile and by the time I walked with my bag of groceries I was dizzy and hyperventillating in the worst way. I had to drop my bags in the drive way and quickly get a warm cup of tea in me to help me stop hyperventillating. At least i am able to get some sleep. Its not a full 8 hours of sleep but its something. I almost am wishing a manic episode to hit so i feel like I am alive again. My heart has been racing I know my blood pressure has to be sky high. My depression hasn’t hit until today and I think its only because i am sooooooo tired.
To take my son to school in the morning is about a 30 min drive, I can make it in 20 if there is not a lot of traffic. Today I get 3/4 of the way there and Kenny forgot his glasses and lunch. so turn around we did and went back to the house and then back to school again. On the way back I got a cup of coffee because I could not get my coffee maker to work this morning. I have been trying not to spend any money but shit I need my coffee I don’t care. I go through the drive through and ask for 5 cream/sugar. Now they put it inside. Well guess what, they didnt put it inside. I told the lady at the window that I asked for it inside, she looked at my like a deer caught in headlights. First she tried giving me someone elses order. Gawd,. like I needed her inadequacies first thing in the morning! Then I try driving and pouring the cream in my coffee and tearing sugar packs and I drop my coffee lid and stirrer. Waaa I want to just curl up and sleep a week.
I came home and took a 1/4 of a xanax and 2 advil. The xanax to calm me down, it may knock me out, the advil for my chest. Since I find writing calming (as long as its not reports or papers lol) I decided to just vent on here, even if no one reads this it makes me feel better. I can’t vent to my parents because they said they don’t want to hear it. So since all I have is my son and my parents who do I vent to? You lucky folks lol.
I have been writing to this property manager in Brandon which is about 45 mins from where I am now on the outskirts of Tampa. I found a nice apartment with a garage for a lil under $1000 a month, so right off the top I will be saving $500 a month and more because I wont be paying for water, lawn care, house keep up etc. I want a smaller place. This is only about 900 sqft you know that is fine. I dont want a house anymore, its too hard as a single mom to take care of everything by myself and my dad is too old to cut the grass especially in 100 degree heat. Its hard enough for the ones who do it for a living! So I have decided to downisde in a extreme way. This is not the first tme I have started over and I hope it is the last.
On Saturday I am going to go look at that Apartment with kenny. It wont be available until April 7th but I can put the admin fee down to hold it. That will give me time to buck up and make some money quickly by then.
so..this is my update for today. It is nice to see comments and emails from people who worry about me when I dont write. I do have a RSS feed button so you can see my posts. I started doing that with my favourite blogs also. Anyway Until next time..Stay well!
BTW I feel a world better after writing this!
